Where are you, Jack, seriously? I haven’t heard from you in almost two weeks, and while I’m sure that sounds completely silly… seriously, I miss you.

Not as much as I should though. And that’s what’s scary.

There’s this guy I work with,  Will. He’s really REALLY good-looking. Everyone at work is convinced I like him, and the truth is, I really don’t. He’s a nice guy. He’s HOT (by my standards, at least… he’s more Jared Leto than Brad Pitt). But I don’t like him that way.

This week, though, I’ve been so sore at Jack for ignoring all communication that I can’t help but to compare the two. Will and Jack. Sounds like a pirate movie. Or Robin Hood. Hmm.

I’m going to get going before I fall asleep on you. Seriously, I’d love to. Can I just curl up in your lap? Can you just let me put my head on your shoulder? How about just stay near me while I sleep?

It’s been a long day. Will you ask me what’s the matter? If you do, could I tell you that it’s killing me that you don’t know how much I love you?

Have fun. Without me. Tell me you don’t want me to leave. Tell me you’ll go back to being bored and lonely. Tell me you wish I’d come back down there again.

Good night. Honey. Sleep well. I love you.

Because WordPress > Livejournal any day of the week.

I think I was glowing yesterday. Jack got on myspace to see if I was on (which I wasn’t), and then signed onto Yahoo just to be sure. Right after he gave up on myspace, I signed on, saw that he had just been on, and through the use of a creative stalker feature that Yahoo address book gives me (hello, online now feature?), I saw that he was on yahoo. So I signed on… but in that time, he signed back off.

And then called me (he seriously doesn’t talk to me on the phone much) because he wanted to talk to me. Too cute! I lied in the back yard for almost an hour talking to him, braving the impending thunderstorm and the fact that the ground was wet.

Seriously. Some days I just love this boy!

Also, if I could play guitar better, I’d play Hey there Delilah by the plain white t’s. Seriously. Gorgeous.

And in other news, I’m completely obsessed with the show Greek and the character Cappie. He is so much like Jack that it’s scary. No lie.

It’s the weirdest thing. I know, I know, more about Jack. But seriously (and if you don’t want to read it, go away)… we have the oddest relationship. It’s a friendship. I mean, if you stuck a label on it, you’d throw everything else away and be stuck with friendship.

But what is friendship? The state of being friends? How about best friend? What the hell is a friend, anyway? Someone that you know? Know well? What?

What do you call a friend who can read the emotions on your face before you’re aware of feeling those emotions? What do you call a friend who calls your cell multiple times to make sure you’re okay when he gets an inkling that bad things are going down at your house? What do you call a friend who lets you dump on them, no matter the time of day? What do you call a friend that you push aside sleep and other responsibilities just to talk to for a few minutes each night? What do you call a friend who causes your arms to physically ache because you miss his hugs so much? What do you call a friend who you might possibly love, but has no clue (or is ignoring all clues, see first sentence of this paragraph)??

NO IDEA.

Oh noes. I’ve gone and lost my heart to my best friend.

A lot of things have been bugging me lately. I know, so what else is new? I’ve just been really disappointed in myself lately. It’s kind of that same feeling where you look at a friend and just kind of shake your head, because if you were them, you’d be doing it so much better. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning, and that’s what I think.

Auburn, look at you. First of all, you’re ugly as hell, but that’s a moot point. You’ve let another fall creep up on you, and are you in college yet? No. You’re quieting your conscience for a while taking these Tech Center classes, is all. Where are you, then? What are you doing with your life? You’re still working. Not minimum wage, but not too awful high above it. You’re twenty years old and no guy has ever shown any interest in you. Ever. The one guy you think you could be happy with is obviously dodging around the fact that you like him. How do you know? Because he can read everything on your face. There’s no way you’re hiding this that.good.

You fail at everything you try. Your webdesign has gotten boring and cliche. You haven’t messed with graphics in months. Your story has been on hold for about a year. You’ve taken up guitar and guess what? You suck. You have no talent that is above and beyond anyone else’s. Your existence right now involves getting up, going to work, working your ass off, coming home, checking your myspace, your blogs, your email, your internet drama series, and then proceeding to goof around and do chores until bed… and then it’s time to do it all over again.

You need to lose weight. You need to get out and do more. You need to get your butt in gear and actually get into school. You need to be more outgoing, more patient, more fun, more attractive, more willing to laugh.

Auburn, you suck.

I left Jack a message saying that I was sorry for biting his head off the other night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since then. He’s either really really busy or really really avoiding me. I hope he’s busy.

Hell if I know.

Seriously, what do you answer to that question when you haven’t the faintest freaking idea what is the matter with you? Nobody believes you when you say that you’re just in a funk… it’s just random floating depression that seems to be in the air.

Oh, that and I’m losing my voice for no apparent reason, so apparently it sounds like I’ve just been crying.

Nothing’s wrong. Nothing fixable. I don’t know. I don’t know myself anymore.

Crap, crap, crap. Somehow I ended up being WAY behind in my class. Like… four classes behind. And another class is coming out Wednesday. I think tonight and tomorrow I’m going to do two classes a night and get caught up because… well, this is ridiculous. I paid seventy bucks for this damn class… I don’t want to waste it.

I really want to get into photography. My problem? I don’t go anywhere interesting, I don’t see anything cool to photograph. And I know photography is all about what you make of the scene, but seriously? My house? No freaking way.

I did it again. I’m not going to tell you what. You know.

Anyhow, in a couple of days, like I think I might have mentioned while in a bit of a tizzy (what else is new?) I’m getting together on Thursday with Eliza. She wants to know all about what’s going on with Jack. She knows that, a year ago when we last had a chance to really connect, I really really liked him.

Now? Where do I start?! Seriously. There’s too much. There are so many feelings I don’t understand that… well, the more I tell Eliza, the more she’ll be able to help me. She gives hella good advice. Seriously.

Off to ponder the meaning of life and get out of your hair a bit.

It’s funny how I see it now
After reading an allusion
And then I find that all this time
I’ve fallen for delusion

I tried my best but failed the test
Now even my words are fleeing
Betrayed you then, and once again
And suddenly I’m seeing

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

I love you, we know it’s true
You’re what I’ve always lived for
But temptation has always won
By knocking on my heart’s door

It’s not even like it’s the time of my life
Running has brought me such pain
All this fuss for a momentary buzz
Another link in my chain

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

Heaven help me, I cry to you
Help me do what I know that I should do

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

Yes, I wrote this one too. No, it’s not about a boy.

Eliza and I are “doing lunch” in a couple of days. I know she wants to know about Jack. I’ve spent the entire last week trying to justify my feelings and get the whole situation into words, but… how do I start???

Later.