Will and Jack

Where are you, Jack, seriously? I haven’t heard from you in almost two weeks, and while I’m sure that sounds completely silly… seriously, I miss you.

Not as much as I should though. And that’s what’s scary.

There’s this guy I work with,  Will. He’s really REALLY good-looking. Everyone at work is convinced I like him, and the truth is, I really don’t. He’s a nice guy. He’s HOT (by my standards, at least… he’s more Jared Leto than Brad Pitt). But I don’t like him that way.

This week, though, I’ve been so sore at Jack for ignoring all communication that I can’t help but to compare the two. Will and Jack. Sounds like a pirate movie. Or Robin Hood. Hmm.

Better Left Unspoken

I’m going to get going before I fall asleep on you. Seriously, I’d love to. Can I just curl up in your lap? Can you just let me put my head on your shoulder? How about just stay near me while I sleep?

It’s been a long day. Will you ask me what’s the matter? If you do, could I tell you that it’s killing me that you don’t know how much I love you?

Have fun. Without me. Tell me you don’t want me to leave. Tell me you’ll go back to being bored and lonely. Tell me you wish I’d come back down there again.

Good night. Honey. Sleep well. I love you.

Wha-WordPress?

Because WordPress > Livejournal any day of the week.

I think I was glowing yesterday. Jack got on myspace to see if I was on (which I wasn’t), and then signed onto Yahoo just to be sure. Right after he gave up on myspace, I signed on, saw that he had just been on, and through the use of a creative stalker feature that Yahoo address book gives me (hello, online now feature?), I saw that he was on yahoo. So I signed on… but in that time, he signed back off.

And then called me (he seriously doesn’t talk to me on the phone much) because he wanted to talk to me. Too cute! I lied in the back yard for almost an hour talking to him, braving the impending thunderstorm and the fact that the ground was wet.

Seriously. Some days I just love this boy!

Also, if I could play guitar better, I’d play Hey there Delilah by the plain white t’s. Seriously. Gorgeous.

And in other news, I’m completely obsessed with the show Greek and the character Cappie. He is so much like Jack that it’s scary. No lie.

Oh Noes!

It’s the weirdest thing. I know, I know, more about Jack. But seriously (and if you don’t want to read it, go away)… we have the oddest relationship. It’s a friendship. I mean, if you stuck a label on it, you’d throw everything else away and be stuck with friendship.

But what is friendship? The state of being friends? How about best friend? What the hell is a friend, anyway? Someone that you know? Know well? What?

What do you call a friend who can read the emotions on your face before you’re aware of feeling those emotions? What do you call a friend who calls your cell multiple times to make sure you’re okay when he gets an inkling that bad things are going down at your house? What do you call a friend who lets you dump on them, no matter the time of day? What do you call a friend that you push aside sleep and other responsibilities just to talk to for a few minutes each night? What do you call a friend who causes your arms to physically ache because you miss his hugs so much? What do you call a friend who you might possibly love, but has no clue (or is ignoring all clues, see first sentence of this paragraph)??

NO IDEA.

Oh noes. I’ve gone and lost my heart to my best friend.

This is what I tell myself.

A lot of things have been bugging me lately. I know, so what else is new? I’ve just been really disappointed in myself lately. It’s kind of that same feeling where you look at a friend and just kind of shake your head, because if you were them, you’d be doing it so much better. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning, and that’s what I think.

Auburn, look at you. First of all, you’re ugly as hell, but that’s a moot point. You’ve let another fall creep up on you, and are you in college yet? No. You’re quieting your conscience for a while taking these Tech Center classes, is all. Where are you, then? What are you doing with your life? You’re still working. Not minimum wage, but not too awful high above it. You’re twenty years old and no guy has ever shown any interest in you. Ever. The one guy you think you could be happy with is obviously dodging around the fact that you like him. How do you know? Because he can read everything on your face. There’s no way you’re hiding this that.good.

You fail at everything you try. Your webdesign has gotten boring and cliche. You haven’t messed with graphics in months. Your story has been on hold for about a year. You’ve taken up guitar and guess what? You suck. You have no talent that is above and beyond anyone else’s. Your existence right now involves getting up, going to work, working your ass off, coming home, checking your myspace, your blogs, your email, your internet drama series, and then proceeding to goof around and do chores until bed… and then it’s time to do it all over again.

You need to lose weight. You need to get out and do more. You need to get your butt in gear and actually get into school. You need to be more outgoing, more patient, more fun, more attractive, more willing to laugh.

Auburn, you suck.

Uh Oh…

I left Jack a message saying that I was sorry for biting his head off the other night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since then. He’s either really really busy or really really avoiding me. I hope he’s busy.

Love Never Fails

Okay. Here’s the deal with Jack. I love him. Yes, I do. Trust me when I say that love is not a word I’ll throw around lightly. Not after the whole thing with Dean. I know the emotions I’m feeling, and I know what it will mean if and when it all falls apart. I know I will have my heart broken in all of this.

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

Love never fails.

This time I’m prepared. I’m feeling things I have never felt before… ever. Yes, I love Jack. I am in love with Jack. I would give anything for him, anything. I’d even give up my own happiness. I’ll give up my whole heart, even if he breaks it.

I can now say I have been in love before. I never knew the meaning until now. The only stronger love than this is the kind of love that is returned. I hope this evolves into that.

Crazy Dream

I had a dream last night… and I didn’t fully remember it until… oh about thirty seconds ago. It was about Jack. I’ve had a lot of dreams about Jack in the past, but this one… um, it was very realistic. At the time, I reacted as if it was happening. I mean, I know you’ve all had dreams like this, right? There are dreams that as you’re dreaming them, you know they’re crazy or unreasonable. Then there are dreams that leave you wondering if they really did happen… didn’t they?

Sadly, I don’t remember the premise, the setting, or most of the dream. All I remember is walking with Jack, just taking a walk like we tend to do, and having him take my hand and tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me.

I’ve never had my hand held. That’s why I thought this was real, because the feeling was so… there. I can still remember my hand in his. It fit so perfectly. I can remember the look on his face, his heart in his eyes, and thinking “this is real… this is finally happening.”

I’ve always had dreams very similar to this… similar setting, similar feeling but… I could never see his face. Until now. It’s Jack.

Poem in Progress

How do you describe a love so deep that you would do anything and give everything for this person? How do you explain to people that you’d rather cut off your own arm than hurt them, and that you would supress this very love just to keep the friendship? How do you rationalize a relationship that isn’t a rollercoaster, but more like a zigzagging staircase… always, always going up, but flipping between brotherly love and romantic love? How do you stop yourself from ruining it for the sake of letting go of your emotions? How can you make people understand that this isn’t just another crush… it’s someone you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with?

Maybe I can get a poem out of this.

Guys and I

I have a quick entry to post… well, I had one, anyhow. I can’t post it until I explain, which is the story of my life. I keep mentioning all of these guys, right? And you all are probably like… WTF? Who are these random guys?

I’ve liked a lot of guys in my life. A lot. Let me try and run down them, and try and tell you what happened to them.

• Nathan – Kindergarten
  All I remember about him was that he had red hair and sat across from me during storytime.
• Drew – First grade
  Actually, I was homeschooled, and the summer after, he lived across from me for a month or so. He was the one who showed me how boys could wee-wee in the woods so well. He was so proud of his, um, equipment.
• Tom – Second grade, first half
  We had a love-hate relationship, mostly hate. I actually found an old diary from second grade (I’ve ALWAYS kept one), though, where I liked him. Hmm.
• Andrew – Second grade, second half, through third grade, first half
  I don’t remember much about him at all, other than he had dark hair, glasses, and freckles. He probably grew up to be a musician.
• Heath – Third grade, second half, through fourth grade
  I think I just liked him because he was cute. I don’t remember what he was like hardly at ALL.
• Ryan – Fifth grade
  He got really mad at me when I told my friends that I had his phone number. He thought I was stalking him or something, when in reality, his mom drove a van to Realeased Time every week, my mom did too, and she had the phone list posted on the refridgerator door. He was nice though. I think he’s the only blonde guy I’ve ever liked.
• Mark – Fifth grade
  Honestly? He was a year older than me and I thought he was cute. He never knew. I don’t think he even knew who I was. Oh, and enter the realm of “more than one crush at a time.”
• Ben – Sixth grade through eleventh grade
  Liked him solidly from the very first day of sixth grade to the summer after eleventh. He and I were good friends, but absolutely nothing more. In fact, there was a couple of times where an “Auburn likes Ben!” campaign was started on the bus, and he wouldn’t talk to me for ages. Once, on Valentines day, I sent him an anonymous carnation. It was the only one he got that year, and I never told him it was me. He’s been dating a girl we both knew in high school and seems to be very much in love. I’m happy for him… even though I never could stand her personally.
• Alex – Last week of sixth grade to first week of eighth grade
  This is my embarrassing crush. I was completely obsessive and slightly stalkerish. I left anonymous notes in his locker, which bugged him to no end. He was in all of my classes and we got on okay until he figured out it was me. I tried to talk to him about it, mostly to apologize, and he blew me off. I screamed at him, and then I didn’t talk to him again until eleventh grade when we ended up, oddly, in the same math class.
• Christopher – Seventh and eighth grade
  A really nice, funny guy from church, actually. The problem was that almost every girl our age liked him too, and he wasn’t into any of us. When he found out that I liked him, he and his family moved to an obscure European country, no lie. Of course, it was more for mission work and less because of me…
• Grant - ninth grade and a slight bit of tenth grade
  He was a weird kid, new to our high school… one of those guys whose pants never fit right and always has the most awkward thing to say at the most inopportune moments. When he found out I liked him, he kind of shrugged and moved on with his life. I know he’s in college now, but that’s about all I know.
• Justin – ninth grade, tenth grade
  The beginning of real, personality-based crushes. You can read about him here. He’s one of the guys who was very hard and painful to get over.
• Daniel - tenth grade, first half
  Wonderful guy, two years older, in my creative writing class. Very outgoing, very sweet. At the end of the class, he ended up asking our friend Brittany out. When I looked sad after that, he found out that it was because I had liked him the entire year. He told me that if he had had any idea, he most likely would have asked me out instead. He and Brittany dated for two years, the rest of her high school, and then they broke up relatively painlessly.
• Dean – the summer before eleventh grade to the middle of twelfth grade
  A guy from camp who I liked very, very much. You can read about him here. I just recently got back into contact with him… just a little bit.
• Jack – out of school at this point so… 2005 – current-ish
  Jack’s my best friend. I like him but I don’t but I do. I haven’t posted anything at length about him yet, but rest assured that I will… eventually. <3

Anyhow… all of that just to say…

I requested Christopher to be friends on MySpace after I found him on there the other day… and he rejected me! It’s not like I’m some random crazy kid. I tell you, OBSCURE EUROPEAN COUNTRY TO HIDE.

That’s all.