Oh Noes!

It’s the weirdest thing. I know, I know, more about Jack. But seriously (and if you don’t want to read it, go away)… we have the oddest relationship. It’s a friendship. I mean, if you stuck a label on it, you’d throw everything else away and be stuck with friendship.

But what is friendship? The state of being friends? How about best friend? What the hell is a friend, anyway? Someone that you know? Know well? What?

What do you call a friend who can read the emotions on your face before you’re aware of feeling those emotions? What do you call a friend who calls your cell multiple times to make sure you’re okay when he gets an inkling that bad things are going down at your house? What do you call a friend who lets you dump on them, no matter the time of day? What do you call a friend that you push aside sleep and other responsibilities just to talk to for a few minutes each night? What do you call a friend who causes your arms to physically ache because you miss his hugs so much? What do you call a friend who you might possibly love, but has no clue (or is ignoring all clues, see first sentence of this paragraph)??

NO IDEA.

Oh noes. I’ve gone and lost my heart to my best friend.

Behind on Life

Crap, crap, crap. Somehow I ended up being WAY behind in my class. Like… four classes behind. And another class is coming out Wednesday. I think tonight and tomorrow I’m going to do two classes a night and get caught up because… well, this is ridiculous. I paid seventy bucks for this damn class… I don’t want to waste it.

I really want to get into photography. My problem? I don’t go anywhere interesting, I don’t see anything cool to photograph. And I know photography is all about what you make of the scene, but seriously? My house? No freaking way.

I did it again. I’m not going to tell you what. You know.

Anyhow, in a couple of days, like I think I might have mentioned while in a bit of a tizzy (what else is new?) I’m getting together on Thursday with Eliza. She wants to know all about what’s going on with Jack. She knows that, a year ago when we last had a chance to really connect, I really really liked him.

Now? Where do I start?! Seriously. There’s too much. There are so many feelings I don’t understand that… well, the more I tell Eliza, the more she’ll be able to help me. She gives hella good advice. Seriously.

Off to ponder the meaning of life and get out of your hair a bit.

Beginning where?

Eliza and I are “doing lunch” in a couple of days. I know she wants to know about Jack. I’ve spent the entire last week trying to justify my feelings and get the whole situation into words, but… how do I start???

Later.

Another Blast

I really have been strangely fixated on the past this week. I’ve finally given into myspace (nope, not linking you, sorry), and have discovered the people search function. I’ve “ran into” so many old friends, old crushes, old enemies… it’s like one big blast from the past. It’s crazy!

One of the people I found was Justin. He was sixteen when I was about fourteen, and he was probably the first guy I… well, actually liked for personality and not just for good looks and who he was in my head. I liked him seriously for about a year… and it had its ups and downs, its laughter and tears, its notebooks being dragged into the men’s bathroom and its late, late nights by the fireside with a guitar and good conversation. Then he found out, somehow, that I liked him, and when I talked to him about it, he told me that he did kinda like me, but that he felt that God had led him to a place where he didn’t want to date… where he wanted to spend that time with God.

I really did think that was cool, until he turned around within that week and started dating my best friend at the time, Crystal. Boom… just like that. She didn’t even like the kid until that happened.

But anyhow, I had a dream about his older sister the other day and then proceeded to look her up on myspace… which led me to Justin again. He doesn’t know I found him out because I didn’t talk to him or add him to my friends or anything… but it’s weird. I mean, he’s really good looking now. Back then… well, let’s just say that he’s lost a lot of weight in the last seven years or so. He also looks like a much nicer guy. I’m afraid to talk to him, though, for the same reason that I’m afraid to talk to Dean. I’m afraid of putting him in a position to hurt me again. I’d rather observe a little from afar and then move on with my life. Right?

At the same time, I do want to kind of pop in just to say, “Hey you, look how much I’ve changed.” Because honestly, I do think that I’ve changed for the better in all that time. And honestly, I do want to rub it in his face. And even though he probably hurt me much more than Dean or any of the other guys in my past… I can see a lot of similarities between Justin and Jack.

Justin was the one who caused me to fall in love with guitar music… and recently I’d gone and fallen in love with a guitar player. Shh. Don’t let that get around.

Illusioned?

Perhaps not so disillusioned anymore. Jack signed on earlier to tell me that he had gotten a new computer and hadn’t installed messenger on it. Rachel sent me an invitation to her graduation party, and a friend of my mom’s told me that Eliza’s break wasn’t even that serious.

I swear, sometimes I just think the world is out to get me. I think I’m doing a little better now.

Craziness, Loneliness, and Awkwardness

It’s strange. There’s two different ways to say everything. Like there’s a difference between “crazy” and “crazy”… it just depends on how you say it, the face you’re making, and whether or not you throw your arms up in exasperation. This is also true, I’ve found, for “falling out of touch.”

There’s “falling out of touch,” and then there’s… “falling out of touch.” One is purely accidental. The other? A slow shift from liking someone to… not caring about them.

Rachel, who’s been probably my best friend for the past… oh, three-ish years? She graduated recently and never told me. Someone told me she had this graduation party… and invited everyone but me. Yeah, we’ve fallen out of touch, but that’s because we’ve been busy… me with my job, her with school. She sent out a mass email to everyone in her address book with some graduation pictures, so I did get that… but in the process, I found out that her sister, Eliza, had broken her pelvis recently. Rach had to explain the crutches, I guess. But seriously, Eliza and I lived together for three months, and she’s also a really good friend. And… most people don’t break their pelvis of all things. Eliza did. I never even heard about it.

I know, I shouldn’t be complaining about such trivial things. But now, I’m trying to remember the last time Rach and I talked. Really talked. I can’t remember.

And while we’re on the topic of friend troubles, let me list my failures. Rachel and Eliza aren’t really talking to me anymore. Mandy’s just gotten married and is still off in honeymoon land. No telling when she’ll return. Lynn has been a teacher for two years now and doesn’t have the time of day for me anymore. Everybody from high school has fallen off the face of the planet. And to top it off, my best friend Jack, who just told me that I can tell him absolutely anything, has also fallen out of existence. Okay, not really, but he hasn’t been online in a while, and I can’t work up the nerve to call him. Not because I… don’t want to talk to him, or because I’m nervous (per se), it would just lead to a stupid conversation.

Jack: Hello?
Auburn: Hey, Jack, it’s Auburn.
Jack: Oh, hey. What’s up?
Auburn: Well, actually I was calling to see if you were still alive and talking to me.
Jack: … Uh, obviously, I am.
Auburn: …
Jack: …
Auburn: Okay, that’s really all I wanted.
Jack: …

Life can be so stupid sometimes.