Uh Oh…

I left Jack a message saying that I was sorry for biting his head off the other night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since then. He’s either really really busy or really really avoiding me. I hope he’s busy.

What’s the matter?

Hell if I know.

Seriously, what do you answer to that question when you haven’t the faintest freaking idea what is the matter with you? Nobody believes you when you say that you’re just in a funk… it’s just random floating depression that seems to be in the air.

Oh, that and I’m losing my voice for no apparent reason, so apparently it sounds like I’ve just been crying.

Nothing’s wrong. Nothing fixable. I don’t know. I don’t know myself anymore.

Behind on Life

Crap, crap, crap. Somehow I ended up being WAY behind in my class. Like… four classes behind. And another class is coming out Wednesday. I think tonight and tomorrow I’m going to do two classes a night and get caught up because… well, this is ridiculous. I paid seventy bucks for this damn class… I don’t want to waste it.

I really want to get into photography. My problem? I don’t go anywhere interesting, I don’t see anything cool to photograph. And I know photography is all about what you make of the scene, but seriously? My house? No freaking way.

I did it again. I’m not going to tell you what. You know.

Anyhow, in a couple of days, like I think I might have mentioned while in a bit of a tizzy (what else is new?) I’m getting together on Thursday with Eliza. She wants to know all about what’s going on with Jack. She knows that, a year ago when we last had a chance to really connect, I really really liked him.

Now? Where do I start?! Seriously. There’s too much. There are so many feelings I don’t understand that… well, the more I tell Eliza, the more she’ll be able to help me. She gives hella good advice. Seriously.

Off to ponder the meaning of life and get out of your hair a bit.

Plea

It’s funny how I see it now
After reading an allusion
And then I find that all this time
I’ve fallen for delusion

I tried my best but failed the test
Now even my words are fleeing
Betrayed you then, and once again
And suddenly I’m seeing

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

I love you, we know it’s true
You’re what I’ve always lived for
But temptation has always won
By knocking on my heart’s door

It’s not even like it’s the time of my life
Running has brought me such pain
All this fuss for a momentary buzz
Another link in my chain

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

Heaven help me, I cry to you
Help me do what I know that I should do

How do you take us back when
All we do is kill you once more?
How do you adore us when
We’re running right back out the door?

Yes, I wrote this one too. No, it’s not about a boy.

Beginning where?

Eliza and I are “doing lunch” in a couple of days. I know she wants to know about Jack. I’ve spent the entire last week trying to justify my feelings and get the whole situation into words, but… how do I start???

Later.

Carry Me Away

Floating down this river, I
Think it’s time to change my mind
Thoughts that I controlled one time
Have carried me away

Standing at this corner post
I thought that I had seen your ghost
But thoughts that I had wanted most
Have carried me away

Running from recurring dreams
Smiling up at blue moonbeams
Knowing it’s not what it seems
Yet it carries me away

How can I explain this feeling
I have not had time to feel?
How can I hold it inside me
How will I know if it is real?
The words you say, the words I hate
The feelings that we complicate
How can I hold it inside me?
It’s carrying me away

Standing here outside your door
I know that I have wanted more
I couldn’t find the words before
They carried me away

Take my hand inside your own
Lead me on to your soul’s throne
Tell me that you’ve always known
And it carried you away

Say it to my aching heart
Say we’ll never be apart
What a splendid piece of art
And it carries us away

How can I explain this feeling
I have not had time to feel?
How can I hold it inside me
How will I know if it is real?
The words you say, the words I hate
The feelings that we complicate
How can I hold it inside me?
It’s carrying me away

Love Never Fails

Okay. Here’s the deal with Jack. I love him. Yes, I do. Trust me when I say that love is not a word I’ll throw around lightly. Not after the whole thing with Dean. I know the emotions I’m feeling, and I know what it will mean if and when it all falls apart. I know I will have my heart broken in all of this.

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

Love never fails.

This time I’m prepared. I’m feeling things I have never felt before… ever. Yes, I love Jack. I am in love with Jack. I would give anything for him, anything. I’d even give up my own happiness. I’ll give up my whole heart, even if he breaks it.

I can now say I have been in love before. I never knew the meaning until now. The only stronger love than this is the kind of love that is returned. I hope this evolves into that.

Crazy Dream

I had a dream last night… and I didn’t fully remember it until… oh about thirty seconds ago. It was about Jack. I’ve had a lot of dreams about Jack in the past, but this one… um, it was very realistic. At the time, I reacted as if it was happening. I mean, I know you’ve all had dreams like this, right? There are dreams that as you’re dreaming them, you know they’re crazy or unreasonable. Then there are dreams that leave you wondering if they really did happen… didn’t they?

Sadly, I don’t remember the premise, the setting, or most of the dream. All I remember is walking with Jack, just taking a walk like we tend to do, and having him take my hand and tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me.

I’ve never had my hand held. That’s why I thought this was real, because the feeling was so… there. I can still remember my hand in his. It fit so perfectly. I can remember the look on his face, his heart in his eyes, and thinking “this is real… this is finally happening.”

I’ve always had dreams very similar to this… similar setting, similar feeling but… I could never see his face. Until now. It’s Jack.

Poem in Progress

How do you describe a love so deep that you would do anything and give everything for this person? How do you explain to people that you’d rather cut off your own arm than hurt them, and that you would supress this very love just to keep the friendship? How do you rationalize a relationship that isn’t a rollercoaster, but more like a zigzagging staircase… always, always going up, but flipping between brotherly love and romantic love? How do you stop yourself from ruining it for the sake of letting go of your emotions? How can you make people understand that this isn’t just another crush… it’s someone you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with?

Maybe I can get a poem out of this.