Things to do today.

It’s twelve-oh-seven pm, just after noon. I probably won’t go to bed until midnight tonight. That gives me twelve hours to do the following:

• Clean my room (no laughing matter)
• Take a shower / straighten hair / shave legs (stop laughing)
• Reorganize my desk (omg what a mess)
• Finish my portfolio layout and try and get the damn thing running (omg what another mess)
• Finish re-reading Goblet of Fire (I’m re-reading the series to get me geared up for Deathly Hallows)
• Talk to my dad about my Texas trip

And I think that’s it. Think I can do it? I hope so. Maybe I’d get more done if I wasn’t gooping around LIVEJOURNAL.

I had a weird dream last night, that we were looking for a little house for Christina, my boss at work, and her daughter (which they really are doing). In the dream, we were looking at this little tiny house only to discover it only had one little bedroom and that it was too small for them. I asked the owner how much it was, and he told me it was two thousand dollars because they couldn’t rent it anymore (??). I was like… I’LL TAKE IT.

Weird dream.

Guys and I

I have a quick entry to post… well, I had one, anyhow. I can’t post it until I explain, which is the story of my life. I keep mentioning all of these guys, right? And you all are probably like… WTF? Who are these random guys?

I’ve liked a lot of guys in my life. A lot. Let me try and run down them, and try and tell you what happened to them.

• Nathan – Kindergarten
  All I remember about him was that he had red hair and sat across from me during storytime.
• Drew – First grade
  Actually, I was homeschooled, and the summer after, he lived across from me for a month or so. He was the one who showed me how boys could wee-wee in the woods so well. He was so proud of his, um, equipment.
• Tom – Second grade, first half
  We had a love-hate relationship, mostly hate. I actually found an old diary from second grade (I’ve ALWAYS kept one), though, where I liked him. Hmm.
• Andrew – Second grade, second half, through third grade, first half
  I don’t remember much about him at all, other than he had dark hair, glasses, and freckles. He probably grew up to be a musician.
• Heath – Third grade, second half, through fourth grade
  I think I just liked him because he was cute. I don’t remember what he was like hardly at ALL.
• Ryan – Fifth grade
  He got really mad at me when I told my friends that I had his phone number. He thought I was stalking him or something, when in reality, his mom drove a van to Realeased Time every week, my mom did too, and she had the phone list posted on the refridgerator door. He was nice though. I think he’s the only blonde guy I’ve ever liked.
• Mark – Fifth grade
  Honestly? He was a year older than me and I thought he was cute. He never knew. I don’t think he even knew who I was. Oh, and enter the realm of “more than one crush at a time.”
• Ben – Sixth grade through eleventh grade
  Liked him solidly from the very first day of sixth grade to the summer after eleventh. He and I were good friends, but absolutely nothing more. In fact, there was a couple of times where an “Auburn likes Ben!” campaign was started on the bus, and he wouldn’t talk to me for ages. Once, on Valentines day, I sent him an anonymous carnation. It was the only one he got that year, and I never told him it was me. He’s been dating a girl we both knew in high school and seems to be very much in love. I’m happy for him… even though I never could stand her personally.
• Alex – Last week of sixth grade to first week of eighth grade
  This is my embarrassing crush. I was completely obsessive and slightly stalkerish. I left anonymous notes in his locker, which bugged him to no end. He was in all of my classes and we got on okay until he figured out it was me. I tried to talk to him about it, mostly to apologize, and he blew me off. I screamed at him, and then I didn’t talk to him again until eleventh grade when we ended up, oddly, in the same math class.
• Christopher – Seventh and eighth grade
  A really nice, funny guy from church, actually. The problem was that almost every girl our age liked him too, and he wasn’t into any of us. When he found out that I liked him, he and his family moved to an obscure European country, no lie. Of course, it was more for mission work and less because of me…
• Grant - ninth grade and a slight bit of tenth grade
  He was a weird kid, new to our high school… one of those guys whose pants never fit right and always has the most awkward thing to say at the most inopportune moments. When he found out I liked him, he kind of shrugged and moved on with his life. I know he’s in college now, but that’s about all I know.
• Justin – ninth grade, tenth grade
  The beginning of real, personality-based crushes. You can read about him here. He’s one of the guys who was very hard and painful to get over.
• Daniel - tenth grade, first half
  Wonderful guy, two years older, in my creative writing class. Very outgoing, very sweet. At the end of the class, he ended up asking our friend Brittany out. When I looked sad after that, he found out that it was because I had liked him the entire year. He told me that if he had had any idea, he most likely would have asked me out instead. He and Brittany dated for two years, the rest of her high school, and then they broke up relatively painlessly.
• Dean – the summer before eleventh grade to the middle of twelfth grade
  A guy from camp who I liked very, very much. You can read about him here. I just recently got back into contact with him… just a little bit.
• Jack – out of school at this point so… 2005 – current-ish
  Jack’s my best friend. I like him but I don’t but I do. I haven’t posted anything at length about him yet, but rest assured that I will… eventually. <3

Anyhow… all of that just to say…

I requested Christopher to be friends on MySpace after I found him on there the other day… and he rejected me! It’s not like I’m some random crazy kid. I tell you, OBSCURE EUROPEAN COUNTRY TO HIDE.

That’s all.

Another Blast

I really have been strangely fixated on the past this week. I’ve finally given into myspace (nope, not linking you, sorry), and have discovered the people search function. I’ve “ran into” so many old friends, old crushes, old enemies… it’s like one big blast from the past. It’s crazy!

One of the people I found was Justin. He was sixteen when I was about fourteen, and he was probably the first guy I… well, actually liked for personality and not just for good looks and who he was in my head. I liked him seriously for about a year… and it had its ups and downs, its laughter and tears, its notebooks being dragged into the men’s bathroom and its late, late nights by the fireside with a guitar and good conversation. Then he found out, somehow, that I liked him, and when I talked to him about it, he told me that he did kinda like me, but that he felt that God had led him to a place where he didn’t want to date… where he wanted to spend that time with God.

I really did think that was cool, until he turned around within that week and started dating my best friend at the time, Crystal. Boom… just like that. She didn’t even like the kid until that happened.

But anyhow, I had a dream about his older sister the other day and then proceeded to look her up on myspace… which led me to Justin again. He doesn’t know I found him out because I didn’t talk to him or add him to my friends or anything… but it’s weird. I mean, he’s really good looking now. Back then… well, let’s just say that he’s lost a lot of weight in the last seven years or so. He also looks like a much nicer guy. I’m afraid to talk to him, though, for the same reason that I’m afraid to talk to Dean. I’m afraid of putting him in a position to hurt me again. I’d rather observe a little from afar and then move on with my life. Right?

At the same time, I do want to kind of pop in just to say, “Hey you, look how much I’ve changed.” Because honestly, I do think that I’ve changed for the better in all that time. And honestly, I do want to rub it in his face. And even though he probably hurt me much more than Dean or any of the other guys in my past… I can see a lot of similarities between Justin and Jack.

Justin was the one who caused me to fall in love with guitar music… and recently I’d gone and fallen in love with a guitar player. Shh. Don’t let that get around.

Dean Resurfaces

There was a guy, Dean, that I liked a whole lot about two years ago. To make a hugely long and dramatic story short… Dean’s an outgoing guy. He’s like that around everyone. We kept in touch after camp, and he always signed “I love you” at the bottom of his emails. Because I liked him, it was becoming a stumbling block in my life. I got some advice, and then asked him if he wouldn’t say that because of problems in my own head.

He, I assume, figured out that I liked him (or assumed as much) and didn’t respond well to that at all. Either way, we didn’t part on good terms. That was two and a half years ago. Two years ago we met again at camp, and it was really awkward for the first half of the week and vaguely awkward for the rest of it.

Last year he didn’t go to camp. This year I didn’t. Now we’re “friends” on MySpace, and he wants to start a conversation. Why is it that, even after all this time, I’m still getting nervous being around him? It’s like, I don’t want to talk to him because I’m afraid he’ll inadvertently hurt me again, but I don’t want to ignore him because that’s so dumb.

Jack’s clueless, too. He set off at one point to think of the perfect guy for me, and the first person he came up with was Dean. He’s got no idea. Rach and Eliza know, but they’re as tired of it as I am. So, again, I’m back to my “nobody reads this” journal.